Highbrow Magazine - online dating https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/online-dating en Searching for Mr. Right https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/12523-searching-mr-right <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Fri, 09/03/2021 - 11:06</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1love_pikist.jpg?itok=i0B-0T92"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1love_pikist.jpg?itok=i0B-0T92" width="480" height="303" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I have had my fortune told three times in my life by the same elderly relative, who has since passed away.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">Everything she predicted on the first two occasions has eerily come true: In her first reading, she said she saw “blackness” and “a coffin” – seven months later, my boyfriend passed away.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">A few years later in Washington, I sat down reluctantly for a second reading. Again, she frowned and stared into my coffee cup.  Havoc would wreak again, she said, as I would soon depart “thousands of miles away,” and my life would be turned upside down by a group of “vicious snakes.”</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">A few months later, I moved back to the West Coast, found a high-paying editorial job in the San Francisco Bay Area, and indeed, found myself repeatedly libeled, slandered, and harassed by a group of malicious acquaintances I used to know. I left two years later and moved back to Washington.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">During our third and final meeting in 2008, my cousin urged another reading, but I initially declined. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">“You always predict bad things will happen, and they always come true,” I said. “I don’t want to know.”</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">But she insisted, and I cautiously waited for her to deliver additional ominous news. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">But this time, it was as though the dark cloud that had engulfed my future had been lifted. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">“I see a man waiting for you….You will definitely get married – but quite late in life,” she said. “And your husband will be an educated Renaissance Man and jack-of-all-trades,” she added. I pressed for more information, but she shook her head and refused to say anything else. “Why?” I asked. “For the sake of your love,” she smiled.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/2love_ruben_ulset-flickr.jpg" style="height:504px; width:600px" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I have waited since for my Renaissance Man and jack-of-all-trades to come along.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">Now, at an age which most people write you off as the “never getting married” type, I still navigate the profiles of eligible men on dating websites, wondering if any of them are “the one.” </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">Is this how I am supposed to meet my Mr. Right? By constantly scrolling the photos and bios of the sea of men who have summarized their lives in a few sentences? Divorced, father of three, likes to play golf, listens to Jazz and New Order. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">When I was 8 years old, I told my mother that I would know immediately if I met my future husband, that my intuition would guide me. But I have often been wrong.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I close my eyes to retrace my steps and think of the men I have fallen in love with, and/or dated over the years:  </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">There was the good-looking freelance writer who lived in Georgetown who swept me off my feet, and with whom I enjoyed a whirlwind, and mainly physical, romance. And the nice but eccentric librarian whom I knew briefly, who on our first date invited me to watch an obscure film, which he later said was “a test” to see if I would pass. There was the Stanford graduate student who turned out to be untrustworthy, crass, and lacked emotional integrity – and shocked our circle of friends by eventually marrying his best friend’s ex-wife, which led us to forever ostracize him for his disloyalty.  There was the handsome, tall stranger who showed up to my Sushi dinner party in Palo Alto, whom I fell in love with at first sight. I soon learned he had become closely connected with a few people I consider as enemies—and knowing that I could not trust him, I made the decision to have nothing to do with him. And then there was the quiet, depressive brooder in Europe who ended up cheating on me and broke my heart.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I rummage through a few old emails as another rush of memories floods my mind: the reserved Englishman I met on a trip to the beach and became involved with in London; the confident, dashing older journalist who made my heart skip a beat; the intense Frenchman in Paris who made his feelings for me clear on the first night we met; and the tall, spindly colleague with tousled hair who asked if I had fallen in love with him after our romantic tryst (I had not). </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">Later, I met a sweet, charming, easygoing man from Virginia, who came into my life at just the right time, and offered me a wonderful year of kindness and laughter when I needed it most. When we parted, I knew we were better off as just friends, and he has remained a good friend ever since.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/2love_andrea_piacquadio-pexels.jpg" style="height:384px; width:600px" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">My parents, who met and fell in love in university, wonder why I didn’t marry when I had the chance. But they know their daughter is a late-bloomer, and they refuse to give up on me. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"> “Not everyone gets married. If you meet a man who makes you happy, just live with him. You have plenty of time,” they say. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">The only response I have is: I am still waiting for him to come along. I know he is lurking in the shadows somewhere. I sense this in my heart. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I quietly observe and try to learn from the lives of dear friends, those who have married – a few very happily – and others who ended up alone.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">My friend Andrea’s husband of nine years died suddenly from a heart attack, and though always the survivor, she is heartbroken, left to pick up the pieces. Stef also lost her husband to an illness years ago, and has given up on online dating after meeting a scammer. Another friend has been married and divorced twice, and has a revolving door of boyfriends who never last more than a few months. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">But Marcelle and Steve have been happily married for decades, as have my friends Mark and Cyndi, and Mike and Catherine, and Ken and Lori, and a few other couples I know. The magic formula of their happy unions seems to be a simple recipe of love, thoughtfulness, trust, loyalty, and patience -- they have successfully beaten the odds. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">As a Persian-American woman and daughter of a former career diplomat who spent her formative years living and traveling around the world – mainly in Europe and Asia -- I rely on my inner compass to guide me where to look. Would I be most happy with a European man, an American, or a Persian? I am a combination of all of these cultures, and finding someone who is worldly and cultured enough to understand my accumulated values and traditions is no easy task.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">“We are cursed,” a fellow Persian-American friend would always say. Our group of friends in university was considered a bevy of pretty, cultured, classy, worldly, and intelligent young women who everyone assumed would succeed at every turn. But fate had other plans in store. All of us ended up either unmarried or divorced after brief, difficult marriages, wondering when our “happily ever after” would show up.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/4love_franck_mahon-flickr.jpg" style="height:400px; width:600px" typeof="foaf:Image" /></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">I recently wrote a wish-list of what I am looking for in my future husband – perhaps if I envision him, he will come. I wrote my list and kept it folded in my desk drawer. I recently reviewed it and whittled it down to the few non-negotiables: He must be trustworthy, loyal, always have my back, strong, intelligent, worldly, value the importance of family, and have a sense of humor. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">And when my Mr. Right finally comes along, what can I offer him? Relationships are, after all, a two-way street. I have spent the past year reflecting on my positive and negative traits and what I can improve upon: Am I quick to fly off the handle? I will learn to be calmer. Am I easily trusting? I will learn to be more discerning. Do I make rash judgments? I will make sure I hear all sides of a story, and not be influenced by the lies and gossip of the malicious few. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">And when he finally comes, I will be open to giving him my all, loving him completely, and promising unwavering loyalty, devotion, and a rollercoaster of emotions. I will move anywhere in the world -- and to the end of the earth -- to be with him. </span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">My friend Marcelle says I should keep looking until I find my bliss. So I continue to scroll through the sea of men on dating websites and wonder which one will be my Renaissance Man and jack-of-all-trades. Will it be Dmitri, or Jason, or wise Pedro, who wrote to me with this sage advice: “If you are afraid of getting hurt, you increase the chances of that happening. Look at the tightrope walkers -- do they think they might fall when they walk carefully on the rope? No, they accept that risk and enjoy the pleasure of defying danger. If you spend your life trying not to break anything, you will be terribly bored.”</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif">Yes, I too must defy danger; I too must take another risk. So I decide to step back and take a long, hard look at not only my regrets, missed opportunities, and sorrows, but also all my blessings, joys, and victories. I must take a step back, so I can prepare to leap forward and be ready for the next man who will be my destiny.</span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><strong>Author Bio:</strong></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><strong><em>Tara Taghizadeh is the Founding Editor and Publisher of </em>Highbrow Magazine<em>.</em></strong></span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><strong>For Highbrow Magazine</strong></span></span></p> <p> </p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><strong><em>Image Sources:</em></strong></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><em>Ruben Ulset (</em><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/75903437@N04/12760285435" style="color:#0563c1; text-decoration:underline"><em>Flickr</em></a><em>, Creative Commons)</em></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><em>Franck Mahon (</em><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/48716056@N00/3320975158" style="color:#0563c1; text-decoration:underline"><em>Flickr</em></a><em>, Creative Commons)</em></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><a href="https://www.pikist.com/free-photo-seqne" style="color:#0563c1; text-decoration:underline"><em>Pikist</em></a><em> (Creative Commons)</em></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><em>John William Godward Painting (</em><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eros_(concept)#/media/File:Godward_The_Old_Old_Story_1903.jpg" style="color:#0563c1; text-decoration:underline"><em>Wikipedia</em></a><em>, Creative Commons)</em></span></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:18px"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman,Times,serif"><em>Bedbible (<a href="https://bedbible.com/free-stock-images/">Bedbible</a>, Creative Commons)</em></span></span></p> <p> </p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/love" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">love</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/mr-right" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">mr. right</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/looking-love" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">looking for love</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">romance</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/meeting-right-man" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">meeting the right man</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/moden-romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">moden romance</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/relationships" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">relationships</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/falling-love" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">falling in love</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/boyfriends" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">boyfriends</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/breakups" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">breakups</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/marriage" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">marriage</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/couples" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">couples</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Tara Taghizadeh</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Fri, 03 Sep 2021 15:06:07 +0000 tara 10609 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/12523-searching-mr-right#comments In Defense of Modern Romance https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/9070-defense-modern-romance <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Sun, 05/06/2018 - 13:47</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1romance.jpg?itok=XpGNYhsI"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1romance.jpg?itok=XpGNYhsI" width="480" height="413" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p> </p> <p>In the 2003 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7NV0Bajs9E">episode</a> “The One with the Blind Dates” of the American sitcom <em>Friends</em>, Phoebe and Joey conspire to set up Ross and Rachel on blind dates. Wanting them to get back together, they set up their friends with terrible date partners in the hopes they’ll realize they are perfect for each other instead and reunite. The infamously hapless Ross gets stood up and, alone at the table, he asks the waiter if perhaps there’s a woman waiting at the bar because, he explains, he’s on a blind date and she has not shown up. The waiter quickly quips, to much of the laugh track’s delight, “Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?”  </p> <p> </p> <p>That line would undoubtedly land with a thud in a modern television show, where dating and sex is treated much more openly and blind dates have become relics. A Google search by Ross’s evidently shallow date would have quickly returned a photograph of the paleontologist/professor Geller, giving her a heads up on his looks and saving her from any desultory shortcomings of going on a blind date. A stalk session of the Instagram accounts of Ross’s many ex-wives and serious girlfriends would have revealed his… fickle approach to commitment? Unabashedly terrible track record of picking life partners? Two baby mamas? And reading through @dino-guy-geller would have absolutely turned up a 50-Twitter-thread explaining how they were definitely on a break.</p> <p> </p> <p>With social media’s cartel-like empire in virtually all aspects of our lives, going on dates sight unseen is a concept that has essentially vanished; blind dates have gone extinct. Having at least at little bit of information on the person you’re meeting is, certainly, safer on the whole. Knowing your date’s profession and whether they have children, for example, can give you some set of expectations when going to meet with a complete stranger. But in the era of #mcm and swipe-right-for-yes, when it’s possible to obtain a person’s entire work history with a glimpse of their LinkedIn profile, the notion of going on a date with a “stranger” has blurred lines.</p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/2romance.jpg" style="height:417px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>And there are <a href="https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a58919/dont-google-internet-stalk-me-before-our-first-date/">plenty </a><a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/71991-why-i-never-google-stalk-my-dates-or-give-them-my-real-email-address-because-mystery">of</a> <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2014/06/new-abstinence-not-googling-your-date.html">arguments</a> for not Googling your date prior to meeting them, many of them  valid. Some reason, for instance, that knowing as little as possible about your suitor allows you to be more engaged in conversation, asking questions and actively discovering their traits and flaws. Others say that knowing too much about your date sets unattainably high expectations for them to match their online presence. It is easy to come off as charming and witty when they have 20 minutes to compose the perfect caption and choose just the right Instagram filter; but it can be disappointing when their IRL persona doesn’t quite rise to the level you expected from scrolling through their Insta feed. This, certainly, can actually lead to an uncomfortable power dynamic where someone knows a lot more about the other. After all, it would be disconcerting for your date to ask if you enjoyed your trip to Greece in the summer of 2016 when you haven’t even brought up your obsession with spanakopitas yet.</p> <p> </p> <p>But if curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back. <a href="https://hingeirl.com/advice/should-i-google-my-dates/">According</a> to a 2017 survey conducted by the dating site Hinge, 89 percent of respondents admitted to researching their matches online prior to going on a date. As aforementioned, some of this “research” can be purely clinical. A respondent on a Reddit <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/50z2se/do_you_google_someone_before_a_date_discussion/">discussion</a> said that they have looked at the Facebook profile of someone they had met online only so they can verify they were who they said they were. Another, however, said that they used the information they had found online to sing a song by their date’s favorite band during a karaoke outing. Their date was not amused.</p> <p> </p> <p>It’s certainly an appealing concept; hundreds of singles at your fingertips giving you the power to turn them down or shoot your shot with a swift swipe of your thumb. It’s no surprise there are dozens and dozens of dating apps and sites for practically every legal demographic – from big matchmakers like Tinder and OkCupid to more niche courters such as Christian Mingle and Trump Singles (which is <a href="https://trumpsingles.com/">striving</a> to “make dating great again”). The allure of taking the guesswork out of making eye contact and having a face-to-face conversation with the cute brunette in the subway, tempting rejection, is a big selling point for dating sites. If you match with your future soul mate on Coffee Meets Bagel is because they like you back and isn’t it grand that you can already know that from the get-go? If you don’t get a reply to your message on Plenty of Fish, no sweat – there are plenty of single fish in this virtual sea.</p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/3romance.jpg" style="height:360px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>Perhaps first dates are awkward because there’s nothing else to talk about, having covered all the basics through run-of-the-mill online stalking and customary Tinder banter. Or maybe first dates are all supposed to be awkward, anyway. Has having all of this information at your fingertips usurped courtship? Depending on where you live, it may not matter. This whole online dating affair may be fruitful in large urban areas, where Hapnn can be your lifesaver for the 17 missed connections you had at the six different bars on Astor Place you visited last Saturday night. But if your radar is bleeping around Jim Thorpe, PA, chances are Tinder will eventually inform you, very matter-of-factly, that there are no new matches in your immediate vicinity. It is a stark dichotomy that dares to question the meaning of modern romance or, rather, to preserve its quixotic old school, #meetcute definition.</p> <p> </p> <p>In cities like New York City, some <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating">bemoan</a> the sheer availability of dates. The dating apocalypse is happening, presumably, because there’s just so much of it. It is addictive to have a thumb-and-phone session and swipe right on a couple hundred people per day to get that instant gratification, that validation that someone also finds you attractive. And then keep on swiping to get the next fix. Sex is so <a href="https://www.askmen.com/news/dating/these-guys-say-having-sex-using-tinder-is-too-easy.html">easy</a> to come by, it is almost strategic. (How many miles away is he? How long would it take me to get to her place if the F train is down?). Bartenders at trendy hotspots <a href="https://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/the-plight-of-the-bartender-in-the-age-of-tinder">report</a> seeing men come in with two different Tinder dates on the same night (Twitter <a href="http://nymag.com/selectall/2017/08/woman-tweets-thread-about-man-who-scheduled-6-dates-in-a-row.html">threads</a> about this have gone viral) and joke about serial daters. Tinderella and Tinderfella are actual terms being used to replace the vanishing Cinderellas and Prince Charmings of the world, in an age where more than one third of U.S. marriages <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/06/03/online-dating-marriage/2377961/">begin</a> online.</p> <p> </p> <p>If all that doesn’t sound like great upsides, it’s because they’re perhaps not meant to be. Looking for and finding wiling hookups for some casual Netflix and chill may be run-of-the-mill city culture, but actively dating may also drive a hard bargain. A <a href="https://www.learnvest.com/2017/05/the-most-expensive-city-to-date-in-america-is">study</a> by Match.com puts the yearly cost of dating at about $1,596, which averages out to a nice and affordable $30 date each week. Cut down on your afternoon iced caramel macchiato and you’re all set to get your dating groove going. But that’s pocket change compared to what singles are spending in large cities to go on dates. According to <a href="https://www.finews.ch/images/download/Mapping.the.worlds.prices.2017.pdf">statistics</a> released by Deutsche Bank, a cheap date in New York City will cost your wallet the criminal amount of almost $135 for the both of you. This cheap date would have all the makings of a traditional date: a cab ride, pub fare dinner and a Coke, a couple beers, and tickets to a Nancy Meyers movie. Replace the pub with any restaurant where you have to put a cloth napkin on your lap and your IRA might as well become your dating fund. Zurich, by the way, is the most expensive city to date where the same outing will cost a felonious $194.</p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/5romance.jpg" style="height:352px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>Head on over to the Canadian border, 350 miles north of the Big Apple to rural New York, and Tinder is as useful as the Compass app on your iPhone (in New York City you figure out where north is by recognizing your architectural landmarks, and in the North Country knowing your cardinal points is just an innate ability you are born with).</p> <p> </p> <p>Rural dating, some argue, can actually <a href="https://www.thrillist.com/sex-dating/nation/rural-dating-in-america-what-its-really-like">give</a> you an even bigger ego boost than the endless parade of notifications from Hinge matches you get in The CityÔ. This is apparently because you get hit on a lot, given the general lack of options. And you don’t even need model good looks – just an interesting job and an unfamiliar face. So going home for the holidays can have its benefits after all, when home is a hamlet of 700 people. The downside is, of course, that same general lack of options. When the Tinder red dot radar blinks and blinks and blinks and simply <a href="https://splinternews.com/what-its-like-to-play-tinder-in-rural-america-1793855722">fails</a> to find matches in your rural hometown, there’s just no point in using it.</p> <p> </p> <p>In urban areas like New York City, where Flatbush feels like it’s an entire astral plane away from Harlem but in actuality the subway will get you there in 40 minutes, one of the appeals is that your future Mr. Husband is indeed just a train ride and an eight-minute walk away. But rural daters tend to cast a wide radius to find their significant others. If you’re in Wilkes-Barre, PA the closest major city—Philadelphia and its surrounding suburbs—is a good two hours drive away. But that’s the net you have to hurl if you’re on OkCupid looking for your Tinderfella. Otherwise, as many point out, when you visit your hometown you’re suddenly in an alternate reality where you’re <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/01/hometown-tinder/513173/">swiping</a> on the Tinder profiles of the same people who are your Facebook friends.</p> <p><br /> <img alt="" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/4romance.jpg" style="height:417px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>And for LGBTQ people, dating in rural areas can not only turn up nil in terms of matches, it can be <a href="https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Boso-Urban-Bias-Rural-Sexual-Minorities-05.09.12.pdf">unsafe</a>. Online apps are making a huge <a href="https://gizmodo.com/the-new-way-queer-people-hook-up-in-the-american-heartl-1739240606">splash</a> in queer dating in rural areas, and niche apps like Her and Surge offer a “safe” space dedicated to gay dating, but the number of users is nowhere near what you’d find on Grindr in Los Angeles. Transgender men and women, meanwhile, still relied on the now defunct “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist to find F-to-M or M-to-F friendly partners. Gay-friendly bars and clubs, then, still play a major role in meeting other queer persons in the landlocked heartland of the U.S. But even in states like Iowa, which is considered gay-friendly by Midwestern standards, the entire state has only a tenth the number of gay bars that New York City boasts. Sioux Falls, SD, only has apparently <a href="http://mpetrelis.blogspot.com/2008/04/new-gay-bar-opens-in-sioux-falls-south.html">one</a> gay-friendly bar.</p> <p> </p> <p>But like it or not, online dating is here to <a href="https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/singles-in-america-match-releases-largest-study-on-us-single-population-for-eighth-year-300591561.html">stay</a>. Heavy use of social media has been <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/03/06/518362255/feeling-lonely-too-much-time-on-social-media-may-be-why">linked</a>, ironically, to loneliness and feelings of isolation, but in 2017 the Internet was not only the #1 place where people met their first date, but more than half of U.S. singles have tried online dating. And (because of course) there are generational <a href="http://www.singlesinamerica.com/2017/#millennial">values</a> to consider. 22 percent of millennials are more likely to believe that technology has made finding love more difficult. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not online dating. Resilient as they can be, millennials are also 57 percent more likely to be active on an online dating site than other generations. Meanwhile, 68 percent of men overall what to date for the purpose of finding love, as opposed to 12 percent who only want to date casually.</p> <p> </p> <p>As impersonal as it may seem, you can indeed find your next date with the swipe of a finger. Whether that comes with a steep price—the price of romance—depends on just how we are defining romance nowadays. Getting hit on at the bar, the laundromat, or the gym is a big ego boost if you’ve grown used to Tinder exchanges and Grindr hit-it-and-quit-it meet-ups. But outside urban areas, you’re probably going to be getting physically picked up at your house and have your dinner paid for. The price of romance, then, seems to be relative.   </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Author Bio:</strong></p> <p> </p> <p><strong><em>Angelo Franco is</em> Highbrow Magazine’s <em>chief features writer.</em></strong></p> <p> </p> <p><strong>For Highbrow Magazine</strong></p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">dating</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/tinder" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Tinder</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/matchcom" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">match.com</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/grindr" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">grindr</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/millennials" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">millennials</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">romance</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Angelo Franco</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-photographer field-type-text field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Photographer:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Creative Commons (Google Images); Wikipedia Commons</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Sun, 06 May 2018 17:47:04 +0000 tara 8052 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/9070-defense-modern-romance#comments Love, Deceit, and Catfishing: The Perils of Social Media https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/6090-love-deceit-and-catfishing-perils-social-media <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Tue, 11/29/2016 - 17:16</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1catfish.jpg?itok=91uRHnT2"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1catfish.jpg?itok=91uRHnT2" width="480" height="360" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p> </p> <p>In 2010, a major feature film was released revolving around social media: the award-winning <em>The Social Network. </em>Penned by Aaron Sorkin and directed by David Fincher, the film was released on September 27<sup>th</sup> to critical and commercial acclaim. It tracked the o<a name="_GoBack" id="_GoBack"></a>rigins of Facebook, the social media giant, as it explored the lives of its creators.</p> <p> </p> <p>In an early scene, Mark Zuckerberg (played by Jesse Eisenberg) <a href="https://www.fastcompany.com/59634/hacker-dropout-ceo">creates</a> a campus website called Facemash – a sort of “hot or not” game where pictures of female students, taken from hacked college databases commonly known as “facebooks,” were posted side by side and visitors were asked to rate their attractiveness. An early precursor, the fact that this initial site used people’s images matched with their real identities represents a key aspect of what would eventually become Facebook. A week before <em>The Social Network</em> was released, an indie documentary called <em>Catfish</em> debuted in theaters in a limited release.</p> <p> </p> <p><em>Catfish</em> follows Yaniv “Nev” Schulman, a young New York photographer. Nev begins a fraternal relationship on Facebook with a Michigan-based 8-year-old artist named Abby when she sends Nev a painting rendering of one of his own photographs. Nev and Abby become Facebook friends and this network begins to broaden to include members of Abby’s family, such her mom Angela and her 19-year-old sister Megan. Nev and Megan eventually develop a romantic relationship notwithstanding never having actually met before. They speak on the phone constantly, send each other erotic messages, and talk about the future.</p> <p> </p> <p>When evidence emerges that Angela and Abby have been lying about the latter’s painting career and not all is at it seems, Nev begins to doubt the authenticity of his relationship with Megan. Nevertheless, at his brother’s insistence, Nev continues the relationship for the sake of the documentary until the siblings decide to travel to Michigan and meet Megan in person. It is finally revealed that Megan is in fact her mother Angela, who had been posing as her daughter while maintaining the relationship with Nev. The real Megan had been none the wiser and the paintings that Abby, the 8-year-old artist prodigy, had created were in fact Angela’s.</p> <p> </p> <p>Even though the film <em>Catfish </em>will never actually be <a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr-esq/relativity-hit-second-catfish-lawsuit-224914">profitable </a>because of two separate lawsuits, the movie became a sleeper hit of sorts, and it has quickly become a “cult classic” in the generation of networking and social media. It spawned a successful TV show currently producing its sixth season on MTV and it gave rise to the term “catfish,” which was originally defined as someone who creates an identity online on a social platform as someone other than themselves. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has officially included the term on its cannon albeit with a bleaker connotation: “A person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes.”</p> <p> </p> <p>In the vernacular the term is also used as a verb, the deceiver being the one doing the catfishing while the victim is being catfished.</p> <p> </p> <p>Taking up someone else’s identity, for deceptive purposes or not, is not a practice limited to the age of technology. The feat is used as a literary device in various works, such as Melville’s <em>The Confidence-Man</em>. It was a media frenzy revelation when JT LeRoy was discovered to be a pseudo-fictional/real character created entirely by writer Laura Albert who wrote of al LeRoy’s books, stories, articles, and correspondence while a 25-year old named Savannah Knoop alternatively played the character in “real life.” His backstory is rich with detail and facets of prostitution and drug addiction, which feature widely in LeRoy’s publications and perhaps most notably in his debut novel <em>Sarah</em>, which also uses identity deception as a major plot device.</p> <p> </p> <p>But catfishing as defined by the modern vernacular is a generational singularity. An incredibly complex psychological phenomenon made possible by modern technology and the pervasiveness of social media. Exemplified perhaps not by the victimizer – after all, deception and conceit can arguably be categorized as essential human flaws – but by the targets who fall victim to other human traits: the willingness and willful desire to be deceived and believe in the least plausible likelihoods. The practice, however, can oftentimes have dire consequences.</p> <p> </p> <p>One of the earliest and best-known cases of catfishing ending disastrously was the case of Megan Meier. 13-year-old Meier committed suicide in October of 2006 after a boy she had met online named “Josh Evans” abruptly ended their relationship. The two had never met, and it eventually came to light that Josh was a fake persona made up by Lori Drew, a neighbor who wanted to find out what Meier was saying about Drew’s daughter Sarah, who at one point had been friends with Meier.</p> <p> </p> <p><br /> <img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/2catfish.jpg" style="height:304px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>For this purpose, Drew created a fake account on the Myspace social site and began a relationship with Meier by posing as a 16-year-old boy. Myspace was the single most <a href="http://mashable.com/2006/07/11/myspace-americas-number-one/#ChhJ632B5kq5">popular</a> site in the Unites States around this time, surpassing even Yahoo and Google Search in online traffic. It was one of the earliest platform networking sites available to the general public; two-year-old Facebook had opened up registration to the public only a month before Meier’s death (prior to this, it had only been available to users with active college email addresses and a number of selected corporation networks).</p> <p> </p> <p>In what is generally considered the first case involving cyberbullying, Drew was indicted in Los Angeles after Missouri—where Meier and Drew resided—announced the state would not file charges because there wasn’t enough evidence for conviction. The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Central District of California based the fact that Myspace was located in that state, where the site’s servers are housed, to file federal charges against Drew for violation of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act. The prosecution argued that Drew that obtained and used the image of a boy and used it without his knowledge by pretending to be “Josh Evans.”  In essence, Drew’s crime was that this had violated Myspace’s terms of service. The jury found Drew <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/27/us/27myspace.html">guilty</a>.</p> <p> </p> <p>Widely publicized, the case drew attention because of the lack of precedence for cyberbullying crimes and convictions. While all agreed that Drew’s actions were reprehensible, critics worried that this conviction may open up the possibility of lawsuits for minor or downright trivial offenses. Myspace ‘s terms of service prohibit a number of things, such as knowingly providing false or misleading information. This would make people who lie about their age, weight, or height on their social profiles possibly guilty of a federal crime. Citing the vagueness of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, the presiding federal judge <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=7977226">overturned</a> Drew’s conviction effectively vetoing her guilty verdict.     </p> <p> </p> <p>Catfishing, of course, is also an international occurrence. In the summer of 2015 three Chechen women became Internet heroes when it was found that they had been communicating online with <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11775228/Three-Chechen-girls-catfished-isis.-Now-theyre-internet-heroes.html">ISIS</a> rebels. The ISIS members were led to believe that the women were brides who wanted to join their cause but were prevented from doing so for lack of money. The ISIS fighters wired them money so they could travel and marry them, only to find afterwards that the women had no intention of doing so and were basically scamming them for money. After receiving approximately $3,000 from the ISIS fighters, the girls blocked all communication with their victims and attempted to move on to the next target before being stopped by Chechen policy. The girls faced up to six years in prison on charges of cyberfraud for catfishing ISIS.</p> <p> </p> <p>In an attempt to combat fake profiles, social media platforms have taken steps to minimize their numbers. In 2014, for example, Facebook began removing inactive profiles from its servers, which became apparent when several celebrities saw a sudden decrease of fan likes and followers. Pop star Justin Bieber notoriously <a href="http://popcrush.com/justin-bieber-instagram-followers/">lost</a> three-and-a-half million followers after Facebook removed these fake profiles. The problem, it seems, is that it is actually very difficult for social sites to spot a fake profile.</p> <p> </p> <p>Four years ago, it was estimated that nearly 9 percent of Facebook’s monthly active users were duplicate or fake accounts <a href="https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/1326801/000119312512325997/d371464d10q.htm#tx371464_14">according</a> to the data Facebook itself filed with the SEC. That is nearly 85 million active fake profiles that are being accessed at least once a month. And while the Web has a reputation of providing rampant anonymity, social platforms do encourage a greater degree of transparency. By requiring users to create profiles, this helps establish an online presence that may, in turn, help create a broader picture of a person’s real identity. Meanwhile, real anonymity is on the decline.</p> <p> </p> <p><br /> <img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/3catfish.jpg" style="height:352px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>In 2006 when “Josh Evan” <a href="http://www.meganmeierfoundation.org/megans-story.html">told</a> Megan Meier “the world would be a better place without you,” social media was in its infancy. Myspace was the most widely used network and, at the time, it did provide a platform for anyone to create a profile as anyone else. Meier may have had no reason to believe that she was being deceived, nor did she have as many options to confirm the identity of her online boyfriend as we do today. There are many communication tools that make this possible. The popular messaging app KIK, for instance, carries a feature that labels whether a picture sent was copied from the user’s cellphone gallery or taken by the phone camera in real time. This would help confirm the identity of the user someone is communicating with, since anyone who downloads the app can create a profile using any name. This is assuming, of course, that the presumed deceiver wants to communicate outside of a social network.</p> <p> </p> <p>Scholars say that a healthy <a href="https://msu.edu/~nellison/hancock_et_al_2007.pdf">dose</a> of skepticism is always good when dealing with online relationships. Catfishers will often find excuses not to meet in person and use traumatic experiences as justifiers, such as serious illnesses or injuries. Likewise, while usually amenable to speak on the phone, victimizers would not be prone to video chat. Repeated excuses to not video chat (especially given the easy access to cameras and webcams we have today) and meeting in person are big red flags.     </p> <p> </p> <p>Notwithstanding the many ways it can be avoided, catfishing still occurs. While it does remain a rare occurrence, it has generated an entire television show spanning at least 69 episodes by the end of its fifth season. When Nev began his relationship with Megan, Facebook had already surpassed Myspace as the most <a href="http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2348822,00.asp">popular</a> social platform in the United States. The iPhone 4 had just been released along with the first incarnation of FaceTime. Still, it is <a href="http://venturebeat.com/2012/10/30/online-dating-scam/">estimated</a> that 1 in every 10 profiles on dating sites is fake (though usually as a scam for the purpose of fraud rather than catfishing). Social networks and dating sites, despite the security protocols they have in place, rely on their users to detect and single out the scammers and catfishers. A task easier said than done given the natural human desire for sympathy, love, and the seemingly perfect soulmate – all characteristics catfishes offer.</p> <p> </p> <p>The term “catfish” itself comes from a story Angela’s husband, Vince, recounts on the film. He explains how when cod was shipped from Alaska to China, the fish would arrive turned to mush due to inactivity. To counter this effect, catfish was added to the cod’s tanks to keep the latter active so they arrived to their destination fresh and whole. The authenticity of this practice is murky to say the least (catfish are bottom feeders after all, not active hunters), but Vince’s allegory is rich if frighteningly expressive of human nature. He concludes: “And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank God for the catfish because we would be droll, boring, and dull if we didn't have somebody nipping at our fin.”</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Author Bio:</strong></p> <p> </p> <p><strong><em>Angelo Franco is </em>Highbrow Magazine’s<em> chief features writer.</em></strong></p> <p> </p> <p><strong>For Highbrow Magazine</strong></p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/catfish" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">catfish</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/catfishing" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">catfishing</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/social-media" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">social media</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/social-network" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">the social network</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/facebook" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Facebook</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/myspace" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">myspace</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/false-identity" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">false identity</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Angelo Franco</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-photographer field-type-text field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Photographer:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Google Images; Wikipedia Commons</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Tue, 29 Nov 2016 22:16:03 +0000 tara 7269 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/6090-love-deceit-and-catfishing-perils-social-media#comments No Means No: The Meaning of Consent Online vs. Real Life https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/3473--means-no-meaning-consent-online-vs-real-life <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Fri, 01/24/2014 - 09:26</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1manandwoman%20%28Rolands%20Lakis%20Flickr%29.jpg?itok=_VHzxlsF"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/1manandwoman%20%28Rolands%20Lakis%20Flickr%29.jpg?itok=_VHzxlsF" width="480" height="319" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p> </p> <p>It seems as though every day there is a new form of social media.  What started as Friendster and MySpace has morphed into Facebook, InstaGram, Twitter, Pinterest and Formspring.  These sites promote the free exchange of information of all kinds.  They have also led to the explosion of associated apps.  One recent addition to the fray is an app called Lulu.  Marketed to women, Lulu allows female-only users to anonymously rate their male Facebook friends without first gaining consent.  This might at first not seem like a big deal, but combined with other ways in which consent is ignored, it can potentially have large implications on the way people interact both online and in person. </p> <p> </p> <p>For decades, the phrase “no means no” has been used on college campuses and in sexual education classes across the country as a way to combat date and acquaintance rape.  The phrase has two main purposes:  to teach people to say “no” to unwanted sexual advances and to inform individuals how to hear, and respect, that rejection.  Despite the reality that laws in most states do no require women to actually utter the word “no” to be considered victims of assault, our national understanding of rape is so wrapped up with the “no means no” mentality that defense attorneys are able to successfully argue that unless a woman loudly and unequivocally says the word “no,” then her accused assailant was not in the wrong. </p> <p> </p> <p>As a result, many rapists have gotten the message from our justice system that they are free to take what they want because if she does not say no, then clearly she means yes.  Many victims have gotten the equally dangerous message that the odds of her attacker being punished are so small that the process of going through a trial to potentially come out labeled a “slut” simply is not worth it.</p> <p> </p> <p>In recent years, many feminists have learned this same lesson and advanced a new, affirmative idea of consent:  “yes means yes.” The idea is that men should not keep pushing a woman to have sex until she says no, but should instead wait to act until she says yes.  Under this affirmative model, men could theoretically no longer justify taking what they want because of an absence of verbal denial and expect the justice system, equipped with a jury of their peers, to let them go with a slap on the wrist, if that.  “Yes means yes” essentially attempts to offer an alternative to our national understanding of victimization and works towards protecting the victims of assault as opposed to the perpetrators.</p> <p> </p> <p>No matter which approach individuals prefer, there is no doubt that consent, or lack thereof, is a very important part of our understanding of victimization.  That being said, the term consent, thanks largely to our culture’s gendered understanding of the two sexes, is not an uncomplicated one.  It seems as though whenever a woman comes out and accuses a man of rape or attempted rape, the same questions are asked:  What was she wearing?  Why was she out at that time of night?  Was she flirting?  Was she asking for it?  How much did she have to drink?  Why was she behaving so irresponsibly?  Consent or no consent, rape is one of the only crimes where, time after time, the victim is blamed for her own victimization.  The court case, if it even gets that far, is more of the same.  Her sexual history is on trial.  If she is deemed “promiscuous,” her story is completely undermined.  One lie in her past and the case can be dropped.  Her lot is even worse if her assailant happened to be a wealthy businessman or a star athlete.  In those cases casual commenters and respected writers alike will present the idea that she invented the claim to somehow get ahead or get attention.  All this despite the fact that false rape accusations are a rarity.  Proving you have been attacked is not easy.  The Internet has made it harder still.</p> <p> </p> <p>As access to the Internet has become more universal, the number of social media sites have proliferated.  People of all ages are free to go online and leave comments on any number of things: photographs, news stories, videos.  What is more, people are able to do so anonymously.  People are lot more free with their negative feelings and hurtful words when they do not have to answer for them.  This becomes evident when you look at the comment section of almost any article written about sexual assault and when you follow the stories of victims who have come forward with their accusations.  These mostly anonymous comments have real impacts. </p> <p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/1lulu.jpg" style="height:328px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>On Sunday January 5, 2014, one of the victims of a highly publicized rape case in <a href="http://www.kansascity.com/2013/10/12/4549775/nightmare-in-maryville-teens-sexual.html">Maryville, Missouri</a> <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/01/07/daisy-coleman-alleged-rape-victim-attempts-suicide-again/">tried to commit suicide</a> as a result of the terrible messages she received via social media.  The actual rape occurred on January 8, 2012.  <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2458395/Maryville-family-driven-town-daughter-Daisy-Coleman-14-accused-football-player-rape.html">The abuse she and her family have received</a> at the hands of online commenters and members of their community continue to this day.  A common theme among these messages is that her presence at the boys’ home and her consumption of alcohol meant that she wanted to have sex.  Her complete incapacitation, which resulted in her being deposited outside of her home in freezing temperatures once the boys were done with her, was blamed on her.  She was the irresponsible party.  That she did not say no was the story.  To many people, her silence due to her inebriation was considered consent enough. </p> <p> </p> <p>This pattern is, unfortunately, all too common and it has been made into a sport by people like <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/03/13/hunter-moore-creator-of-revenge-porn-website-is-anyone-up-is-the-internet-s-public-enemy-no-1.html">Hunter Moore</a> through his now defunct website, Is Anyone Up?.  Founded by Moore in 2010, and closed by him in 2012, Is Anyone Up? was what is known as a revenge porn website.  Moore initially stated that he started the website as a means to display naked images that were voluntarily sent to him but over time it became clear that many of the images depicted on the site were obtained by hacking into individual’s computers and through submissions by a third party, oftentimes an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend attempting to shame someone.  These nude and sexually explicit photographs were accompanied by links to the pictured individual’s social media accounts, inviting online harassment, as well as their home addresses and places of employment.  Some of the victims, who were primarily female, were fired from their jobs.  Others were harassed endlessly by anonymous online commenters who called them all manner of vulgar names despite the fact that these photographs were submitted without their knowledge, without their consent.  Sometimes the photographs accompanying the personal contact information were not even of the victims themselves.  It hardly mattered. </p> <p>The result of publicized rape cases, which hardly ever end in conviction or punishment, combined with the proliferation of revenge-porn websites, aid in the normalization of lack of consent.  The online world does not exist in a vacuum, entirely separate from “real life.”  What happens on the Internet does have real consequences.  That is why apps like Lulu, originally launched in February of 2013, are so problematic.</p> <p> </p> <p>According to its creators, Lulu has the stated goal of “empowering girls to make smarter decisions on topics ranging from relationships to beauty and health.”  According to the website, the first version of Lulu is a “private app for girls to read and create reviews of guys they know.”  Essentially, Lulu allows only those “girls” over the age of 17 to anonymously rate their male Facebook friends via drop-down menus. First, the girl is asked to define her relationship with a guy.  Second, she is asked about his looks.  Next comes his personality.  Is he funny?  Well-mannered? Ambitious?  Finally comes the ever-popular hashtagging.  Girls are able to label a guy with a choice of pre-written hashtags: #experienced, #manscaped, #sexualpanther, #wanderingeye, #questionablesearchhistory, etc.  There are no open-ended questions, rendering the process relatively limited and controlled.  After all of the questions have been answered, the app combines those responses with the responses received from other users and creates a numerical rating from one to 10.  It all seems relatively harmless until you put it into conversation with issues surrounding consent and assumptions of privacy.</p> <p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/2manandwoman.jpg" style="height:418px; width:625px" /></p> <p>The thing that makes the Lulu app problematic, aside from its heteronormativity, is the fact that it does not require consent from the men being rated.  Not only are men not able to see their own ratings, but they are not even informed of their presence on the site.  In order to determine whether or not they are being rated online, they have to either ask a female friend who is a user or download the app themselves.  In order to be removed from the site, men have to contact Lulu directly.  It seems easy enough; however, it does require the men to know two things:  that Lulu exists and that they are a presence on the site.  </p> <p> </p> <p>Although having a numerical rating accompanying your Facebook profile that is only visible to some people is a far cry from having your naked photograph accompanied by your home address and telephone number, the crux of the issue is still the same.  This site allows individuals to anonymously bypass the norms of consent and put personal information about another individual onto the Internet. </p> <p> </p> <p>Every time an app is developed or a website is started that does not value the consent of the individuals featured, consent in real life matters just a little bit less.  The more and more we grow accustomed to exposing others online without their permission, the less consent enters into the equation when we think about what to do with, or to, another person.  A numerical rating might not ruin a person’s life or reputation, but would it hurt so much to ask the person’s permission before rating their abilities in bed or their relationship with their mother for thousands and thousands of people to potentially see? </p> <p> </p> <p>It is true, women have more often than not been the ones impacted by our society’s lackadaisical relationship with the idea of consent, but that does not mean that we should accept that as our lot and advance it by creating our own consent-free areas.  Lulu might seem harmless and fun, but it is just another way that we chip away at the meaning, and usefulness, of consent. </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Author Bio:</strong></p> <p><em>Rebekah Frank is a contributing writer at</em> Highbrow Magazine.</p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/lulu" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">lulu</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/consent" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">consent</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/no-means-no" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">no means no</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/rape" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">rape</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/sexual-assault" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">sexual assault</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/internet-0" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">the internet</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/dating-apps" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">dating apps</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/men-and-women" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">men and women</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/sexes" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">the sexes</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Rebekah Frank</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-photographer field-type-text field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Photographer:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Rolands Lakis (Flickr); hehada (Flickr)</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Fri, 24 Jan 2014 14:26:48 +0000 tara 4179 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/3473--means-no-meaning-consent-online-vs-real-life#comments I Heart My App: Welcome to the World of Modern Dating https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/3443-i-heart-my-app-welcome-world-modern-dating <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Wed, 01/15/2014 - 10:39</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/2mediummoderndating%20%28eHarmony%29.jpg?itok=9WKJ6hXF"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/2mediummoderndating%20%28eHarmony%29.jpg?itok=9WKJ6hXF" width="480" height="341" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p> </p> <p>After a long day at work as a TV associate producer, Jenna Nolan likes to settle in and unwind at home with some food, maybe Netflix, and sometimes Tinder. The mobile dating app allows Jenna to scroll through a few user photos to see if there’s anyone who catches her eye before she retires and starts her day again.</p> <p>With the rise in popularity of mobile dating apps such as Tinder, Grindr, Lulu and others, this isn’t uncommon behavior. A 2013 <a href="http://pewinternet.org/~/media/Files/Reports/2013/PIP_Online%20Dating%202013.pdf">PEW Internet study</a> about online dating and relationships reported that 11 percent of American adults have used an online dating site or mobile app, 66 percent of online daters have gone on a date with someone they met online, and 23 percent of users have met a spouse or lifelong partner through online dating.</p> <p>Online dating isn’t anything new—Match.com was one of the first sites in the mid-1990s to cater to online dating, and this form of dating didn’t really pick up steam until the mid-2000s. What makes these mobile dating apps so popular is their focus on the casual, social interactions. While people use mobile dating apps to meet new people, there’s no immediate pressure to start an intense relationship from the get-go.</p> <p>Tinder is meant to work in a way that mimics real-life interactions. If you’re out at a bar and catch someone’s eye, you’d eventually go up to them and say hi. The app is location-based, and allows for users to look through profiles (pulled from Facebook) before swiping right for ‘yes’ or left for ‘no.’ If there’s a match, then the app notifies both parties, who then can start to chat if they want. Depending on what exactly they are looking for, users can go out on dates, make new friends, engage in a one-night stand or hook-up, or start a relationship. This comedy video, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITI47hwU-RI">Tinder App in Real Life,</a> hits the nail on the head as to the level of engagement necessary to get the most out of Tinder.</p> <p>Today’s dating scene is considered a post-traditional-dating world, where you no longer take people out with the initial intention of marrying them. It’s a shift that allows for more possibilities and more options, a result product of <a href="http://www.today.com/video/today/51427607#51427607">hook-up culture</a>. The scene has shifted, and although there are more positive opinions about online dating, skeptics still exist, mainly focusing on the communicative issues and values of online dating.</p> <p>American society has become increasingly technology-reliant, with many social interactions beginning online through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, chat rooms and mobile dating apps. When all the necessary applications are installed on a phone, and notifications are constantly going off, it’s hard to tune out of the “e-world” and tune into the <em>real</em> world. The double-edged sword of online interactions is that users can represent themselves or misrepresent themselves as someone else with a tailored online profile. While users may be eloquent, chatty and professional online, this doesn’t always translate over in face-to-face interaction. One of the overworked arguments against social media is its effect on conversation and communication between people: <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/01/the-eavesdropper/355727/">conversation is a lost art</a>. The argument is that because we are so connected through multiple platforms, we’re disconnected on a more primal, emotional level. <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/susantardanico/2012/04/30/is-social-media-sabotaging-real-communication/">Communication barriers</a> have shifted more towards technology and there’s not always authenticity behind the texts, tweets, and statuses people post.</p> <p>“The most important part of online dating, whether it’s traditional online dating or not, is getting offline,” said Laurie Davis, dating coach and founder of eFlirt Expert, quoted in <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/12/social-media-dating_n_1961368.html">The Huffington Post.</a> Ninety percent of human communication is non-verbal—think: eye contact, posture, facial expressions, touch—and being able to read body language is important for any type of relationship, whether sexual or platonic. And then there is tone as well—behind the veil of a text or a message, tone can be faked. That’s much harder to do in person. With most people, if you can’t carry a conversation, a second date isn’t likely.</p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/mediummoderndating.jpg" style="height:401px; width:600px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>Many users of mobile dating apps feel that recent technology has cheapened conversation.  Ralph Belvedere, a student who has used Tinder, Grindr and the like, feels that “the media does not help relationships.” When you have articles and sites teaching the decoding and rules of e-dating, “…becoming dependent on interpretation of texts and emails complicates unneeded factors that can break a relationship,” says Belvedere. “If you know the person… it's just exchanging of information. In-person conversations are greater and more productive on the traditional sense, which proves for greater results overall.”</p> <p>But others disagree. Andrew Asistin, a food blogger and recent culinary grad student, used Internet dating to meet his current girlfriend. Asistin felt that recent technology improved dating, as he was able to keep in touch with his girlfriend over long-distance. Said Asistin, “’Traditional’ conversation is not lost to the world. It’s just evolving.” Amy Holmes, who met her husband on eHarmony a few years ago, echoes that sentiment. “The most important thing about dating and meeting people, any people, is honest communication…The trick is to be honest with yourself and the people you meet about what kind of dater you are.”</p> <p>Like Jenna, college students and post-grad students turn to Tinder and other apps to meet new people. One woman, who chose to remain anonymous, used the app when she moved for her job. While she ended up dating a guy for a year before they broke it off, she also found it hard to differentiate between guys who wanted just sex and guys who wanted relationships. While these apps were created on the basis of finding new friends or lovers, they’ve garnered a reputation for being a source for hook-ups (and apps like Lulu <em>rate</em> hook-ups, so you know ahead of time what the experience will be like).</p> <p> </p> <p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/3moderndating.jpg" style="height:531px; width:625px" /></p> <p> </p> <p>Overall many social daters find that mobile apps help to ease communication and open up dating possibilities. But as Nolan puts it, “It's hard to establish and maintain a relationship without having those face-to-face conversations. In my opinion, actually seeing, touching your partner keeps you more connected than any technology.” </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Author Bio:</strong></p> <p><em>Gabriella Tutino is a contributing writer at</em> Highbrow Magazine.</p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/tinder" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Tinder</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/lulu" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">lulu</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/internet-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">internet dating</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/mobile-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">mobile dating</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/dating-apps" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">dating apps</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">romance</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/modern-romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">modern romance</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/sex" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">sex</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/relationships" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">relationships</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Gabriella Tutino</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Wed, 15 Jan 2014 15:39:56 +0000 tara 4120 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/3443-i-heart-my-app-welcome-world-modern-dating#comments Looking for Mr. Goodbar in the 21st Century https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/1151-looking-mr-goodbar-21st-century <div class="field field-name-field-cat field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/news-features" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">News &amp; Features</a></div></div></div><span class="submitted-by">Submitted by tara on Thu, 05/10/2012 - 20:54</span><div class="field field-name-field-image field-type-image field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="og:image rdfs:seeAlso" resource="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/mediummoderndating.jpg?itok=CXA-t3q4"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/sites/default/files/styles/large/public/field/image/mediummoderndating.jpg?itok=CXA-t3q4" width="480" height="321" alt="" /></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"><p>  </p> <p> <strong>Editor’s note:</strong> <em>The individuals interviewed for this article preferred anonymity and requested that the writer use only their first name or nickname.</em></p> <p>  </p> <p> For those of us who spent countless adolescent years (not to mention money and brainpower) digesting hefty spoonfuls of Walt Disney’s saccharin fairytales, we covet happily-ever-after endings well into adulthood – a fantastical fixation that persists regardless of logic.  Up until quite recently, traditional standards for courtship and compatibility considerations operated entirely in the flesh.  Local religious congregations or Boy and Girl Scout clubs at one time formed networks for eligible young adults and provided ample opportunities for supervised socialization.</p> <p>  </p> <p> Otto, a 20-something male from New Jersey offers a sentimental reality-check.  “[My dad] was telling me about the 60s…when a guy would drive past a house, hoping <em>she’d</em> be outside.  Now you just sit at home in a dark room by a computer, waiting for her to do the same.”  Modern technology, both blessing and curse, sterilizes and inhibits what <em>should be</em> tangible expressions of passion – romance.  As a society, we are electronically plugged-in and physically checked-out.</p> <p>  </p> <p> Flirting—the penultimate romance language—is an endangered concept in 21<sup>st</sup>-century America.  Gone are the face-to-face conversations, where exposure to body language and tone of voice permit our pheromones to chemically determine compatibility.  </p> <p>  </p> <p> “People just aren’t willing to engage in public. It’s so difficult to get someone to make eye contact…” claims Jane, a 20-something New Yorker. Sure, the ‘90s bar scene briefly provided a setting in which singles could mingle, but it seems unlikely that these inebriated conversations ever successfully paired up people beyond the following morning.</p> <p> <img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/2mediummoderndating%20%28eHarmony%29.jpg" style="width: 521px; height: 370px; " /></p> <p> A variety of websites are programmed to create technological connections for the romantically challenged and can potentially provide ample information about who really is out there.  Websites such as Match.com, JDate, or okcupid focus on specific components of compatibility such as religious affiliation, sexual orientation, or ethnic preference; additionally, certain websites or events will be better suited for you depending on your age or relationship goals, ranging from physical flirtations to long-term commitments.  Generally speaking, okcupid targets the 20- to 30-somethings, not immediately interested in marriage or children, whereas Match.com creates a forum for relationship-hungry singles.</p> <p>  </p> <p> Due to the striking number of blissful couplings, engagements, or weddings amongst friends and family—a flurry of starry-eyed lovebirds bubbling, <em>“Can you believe it?  We met on [insert dating site here]!”</em>—I can roll my eyes all I want at those Match.com or eHarmony saps, but fact of the matter is: I’m the single one and have no idea how to land a date.   And so I felt compelled, as a cynical 26-year-old woman, to experience these matchmaking services before passing judgment.</p> <p>  </p> <p> “Online dating totally works!” exclaims Cindy, a 30-something woman from Seattle.  <em>Apparently working well</em>, I think<em>.  </em>Currently engaged to a man found on Match.com, this 30-something has her wedding date set for later this year.  Noticing my raised eyebrow, she adds matter-of-factly, “It’s not about <em>getting married;</em> it’s about <em>not being single</em>.  People enjoy companionship.”</p> <p>  </p> <p> And though free trial memberships exist on most sites, severe limitations hamper one’s ability to effectively utilize the services.  Restrictions may include minimal profile options, inability to send or receive messages, and zero photo access.  Deal-breaker.  How can anyone determine attraction without at least catching a glimpse of the potential date?  Mark, a  20-something male from Connecticut, a self-proclaimed Match.com professional, explains, “Men put emphasis on photos…I stopped looking at profiles with less than four pictures because the level of misrepresentation was remarkable.”</p> <p> <img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/4mediummodernromance.jpg" style="width: 600px; height: 337px; " /></p> <p> Apparently, my online dating survival and success are contingent upon my ability to visually present myself and define personal goals, expectations, and boundaries.  Honesty must remain my policy throughout the profile-creation process, starting with sincere personal information and ending with up-to-date photos.</p> <p>  </p> <p> Females, on the other hand, seem to place great emphasis on a potential date’s ability to communicate in written or oral form.  “If I don’t like the language he uses in emails, then we don’t proceed to a date,” Cindy explains.  But this screening process, weeding out the undesirables, can feel like a household chore; responding to messages and scheduling dates become obligations as opposed to what they should be – joy.</p> <p>  </p> <p> “I know the experience for women on [any dating site] is way different than it is for men; as the gatekeepers, I'm sure women get [loads] of messages – a lot of times from creeps,” says Mike.</p> <p>  </p> <p> eHarmony insists their paid subscription is worthwhile because the service mandates initial screening, making it “the #1 trusted relationship site.”  But “#1” for whom?  Co-founder Neil Clark Warren, a Christian theologian and marriage counselor, patented a Compatibility Matching System® so as to pair people in life-long relationships.  Through algorithms and Evangelical values such as Focus on the Family, this heterosexual haven did not always allow homosexual partnerships. At one point, eHarmony claimed that limited information regarding successful same-sex relationships stymied the website’s ability to determine compatibility.  In lieu of discrimination lawsuits, however, the masterminds behind eHarmony created a sibling site: CompatiblePartners – a cop-out that smacks of 1950s Jim Crow laws and a separate but equal quality of life.</p> <p>  </p> <p> It doesn’t actually matter how compatible you and your “match” are according to most of these sites.  A computer cannot truly determine attraction, and neither can you, without actually meeting your “match” in person.  “Get to the date!” laughs 30-something Diane.</p> <p>  </p> <p> Additionally, okcupid.com remains user-friendly, free, and checks discrimination at the door.  Why pay for essentially the same service?  “With okcupid, I get a decent read on who the woman is before I actually meet her,” admits Rob, a 20-something male living in San Francisco.  He continues, “I didn't join [okcupid] just to troll for booty…I joined because it's easier for me to connect and relate to women this way.  It's all about trying to find the good middle ground…like everything else in life.”</p> <p>  </p> <p> <strong>Author Bio:</strong></p> <p> <em>Anna Elizabeth Mazzariello is a contributing writer at</em> Highbrow Magazine.</p> <p>  </p> <p> <em><strong>Photos: livemoreawesome.com; eHarmony.com; scene from "Looking for Mr. Goodbar": Paramount Pictures.</strong></em></p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/modern-romance" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">modern romance</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">dating</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/online-dating" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">online dating</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/dating-scene" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">dating scene</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/matchcom" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">match.com</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/eharmony" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">eharmony</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/okcupid" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">okcupid</a></div><div class="field-item odd" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/single-life" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">single life</a></div><div class="field-item even" rel="dc:subject"><a href="/marriage" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">marriage</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-author field-type-text field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Anna Elizabeth Mazzariello</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-pop field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Popular:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">not popular</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-photographer field-type-text field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Photographer:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">livemoreawesome.com</div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-bot field-type-list-boolean field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Bottom Slider:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even">Out Slider</div></div></div> Fri, 11 May 2012 00:54:58 +0000 tara 927 at https://www.highbrowmagazine.com https://www.highbrowmagazine.com/1151-looking-mr-goodbar-21st-century#comments